Secrets
by GondorGondola
Summary: (I don't claim to be good at writing, I only claim to have good ideas) Emil has a secret. It's the one thing he keeps to himself at all costs, but what happens when he can't hide it any longer? Implied SuFin and Americest, trigger warning for rape.
1. Chapter 1

Lukas was woken by light suddenly pouring in from his door. he squinted and saw the thin silhouette of his younger brother Emil.  
'I was having bad dreams…can I sleep in here tonight?' Emil was lying. He'd been able to deal with nightmares on his own for years, he just needed an excuse to be alone with Lukas. 'Sure. But close the door.' His younger brother was usually cold and emotionless, but Lukas found it cute when he acted like a kid, rather than questioning it.

Emil balled up and pressed his face into Lukas's bare chest. The older boy hugged him and ran his fingers through his silver hair. The two had always been very close, but they didn't show it around anyone but each other.

'Luke…I have something to tell you…' He'd been waiting for months for just the right moment to come out to his brother.  
'Hm?'  
'I'm...asexual' Emil braced himself for the worst, and hoped for the best.  
'I know.'  
'What? How could you know?' Emil had kept this secret better than almost anything. The only other person who knew was his best friend Matthew, and he wasn't a gossip.  
'I went through your computer history.' Lukas said it like it was something every older brother did.  
'LUKAS! how often do you do that?' Emil broke away from their embrace.  
'Only that once. You left your Facebook chat open while you went to the bathroom so I read it. I looked through your history because I didn't know what 'ace' meant.'  
'YOU COULD HAVE JUST GOOGLED IT!' He was used to this kind of clinginess from his brother, although he still got irritated.  
'Shhh. you're gonna wake everyone. Anyway, what I mean is I still love you.' He wrapped his arms around his shorter brother again, and kissed the top of his head. 'At least I won't have to worry about hunting down whoever takes your virginity.' Emil considered telling his brother that he'd already lost his virginity, but that would be a long and painful conversation, and they were both tired.


	2. Chapter 2

When Emil was raped when he was 14 by a Turkish man named Sadiq. His friend Ivan had taken him out to eat when an acquaintance of Ivan's, obviously drunk, had expressed an interest in him and was very persistent. Emil had known he was asexual for a while before this, and didn't realize he was being flirted with until it was almost too late. While Ivan was being chased down by his younger sister, Emil was being raped in the bathroom. He saw Sadiq a few weeks later, and it seemed like he didn't remember doing it. No one but Emil himself knew, not even Matthew, who Emil trusted with his life. He'd kept it a secret for almost three years now.

Emil awoke the next morning very early. He was a notorious early bird, so his slipped out of his brother's arms without waking him and heated up some waffles while he deleted his internet history. He wrote, deleted and rewrote an email confessing his rape to Matthew for hours before he finally decided to send it. Around ten o'clock, he got a reply.

Emil:

What? I'm so sorry…why didn't you tell me this sooner? Anyways, If you want to discuss this we should do it in person. I'm alone all week. If nothing else I want to give you the biggest hug ever right now for being so amazing.

-Mattie 3

Once Berwald, a friend of Lukas and Emil who's house they were staying in, woke up, he told him he needed to go see Matthew and to tell his brother where he'd gone.

Emil was greeted by Matthew's twin brother and housemate Alfred.

'Oh, hi Emil. I'm just about to leave, but I'll go get Matt.' He let Emil into the living room, and disappeared upstairs for a few minutes. When he returned, Matthew helped him get his luggage into the car before finding Emil sitting on the couch.

'Emil…' Matt looked at his friend sympathetically.

'I could really use that hug now.' Matthew sat next to his friend, who buried his face into his red sweatshirt. He could feel the tears soaking through the fabric.

'It's okay Emm. There's no need to hold it in.' The younger nation cried loudly for nearly ten minutes until he finally lifted his head.

'What was I supposed to do, Mattie?' his voice was shaky. He had run away from home after that day, and didn't come back for two weeks. After that, his brother started getting more nosy, and never let him go anywhere without himself unless Matt or his family was there. He had never told anyone what he'd done while he was away.

'You handled it better than a lot of people would. You should be proud of that. Do you want coffee?' Matt always knew how to make him feel better.

'That'd be nice' Emil hugged his knees while he watched his friend get his coffee. Matt returned with a box of tissues and two mugs of coffee.

'Do you want to talk about it?' Matthew rubbed the younger's back while he wiped the remaining tears from his eyes.

'No, I just needed to tell someone.'

The two chatted, sipped coffee and watched TV for an hour or two until they heard a knock on the door.

'It's open!' Matthew expected it to be his friend Gilbert demanding pancakes again, and was just as surprised as his silver haired companion when the more effeminate figure of Lukas stepped through the doorway. Emil prayed that he didn't look like he'd been crying.

'Hey, Luke! I haven't seen you in a while, did you need something?' Matt knew Lukas well, as he and Emil were often babysat by him when neither of them were old enough to be left alone, and Lukas wasn't old enough to get a real job.

'Hello Matthew. My brother didn't tell me he was visiting you, I was looking for him all morning.' He sat down on the table, careful to avoid magazines and almost-empty cups.

'I told Berwald to tell you I was here. You were still asleep.' Lukas took his hand and gently dragged him to his feet.

'He must have been in the shower. We promised to take Peter to the amusement park, remember? He'll whine if we're late.' Between the conversation with his brother last night and his confession to Mattie this morning, he completely forgot about their agreement to get Berwald's son out of his hair for his anniversary date.

'Sorry, I forgot about that. Let's go, then. I still need to get dressed.' The brothers said goodbye to Matthew and drove the short ride back in silence, which was thankfully not unusual for them.


	3. Chapter 3

Lizzie= Wy

Austin= Austrailia

* * *

Peter was waiting at the door impatiently when they got home, pouting when he saw that Emil was still in his pajamas. Luckily he had laid out clothes the night before, so he looked at least halfway decent.

'Behave, okay Peter? Lukas, here's some money for food and stuff. Have fun!' Tino, Berwald's husband, kissed his son's forehead before handing Lukas two $20 bills.

'Bye Daddy, bye Papa!'

The drive to the park was relatively quiet, although Peter wouldn't stop talking the entire time, even when Iceland gave him some licorice in hopes that he had enough manners to not talk with his mouth full.

When they arrived, the lines were thankfully short, although Peter demanded both of the older boys go on every ride with him, much to their chagrin. Luckily, after two and a half hours, Peter got hungry.

'Uncle Lukas, I'm hungry.' (A/N: Peter calls them his uncles because the Nordics are all living together in this AU.)

'Okay, what do you want?'

'Can I have ice cream?' he wedged his way between the two taller boys.

'Ice cream for lunch? Isn't that what uncles are for?' Emil smiled and messed up the young boy's hair.

'Oh and I have to go to the bathroom too.'

'What kind of ice cream do you want? Emil can take you to the bathroom.' Emil's eyes slightly widened at that. He'd had a more than slight aversion to public bathrooms since that day years ago. He didn't want to let his brother on to it, not just yet and certainly not with Peter around. He went anyway, staying outside several feet away.

'How come you don't like bathrooms?' Peter had noticed that Emil had distanced himself from the building.

'Oh, um… they're…dirty I guess. And I don't like exposing myself in front of other people.' he had come up with that excuse a long time ago, and used it frequently.

'Well you could go in the stall like I do. Let's find uncle Lukas!' Peter dragged his older companion to where Lukas was standing, with three ice cream cones that were just starting to melt. He gave one to Peter, but pulled away when Emil reached for his.

'Not until you call me Big Brother.' he said somewhat playfully.

'Not likely.' Emil tore the cone from his brother's hand.

They walked around while eating, and eventually ran in to one of Peter's friends.

'LIZZIE! HEY LIZZIE!' His yelling and waving eventually caught the attention of the young girl, her hair in a bun held in place by paintbrushes. She smiled and hurried over, her older brother close behind.

'Hi Peter!'

'Hi Lizzie! What brings you here?'

'It wasn't my idea. Austin wanted to go, and I'm not complaining. Do you wanna hang out with me?'

'I could bring him home, you probably don't have any reason to stay now, right?' Austin butted in, probably sensing Emil's anxiousness to talk with his brother.

'Oh, thank you Austin. Text me when you're coming, OK?

* * *

Bad ending is bad. I've been slacking, and this thing called 'having a life' has been getting in the way of my writing, so it's not as long as I'd intended, hence the abrupt stop.


	4. Chapter 4

As they pulled into the driveway, Emil was disappointed to see Matthias's car parked (badly) in the garage. He'd wanted to spend time alone with his brother, which he had less and less of since Berwald and Tino had adopted Peter.

The brothers were silent as they walked in the door, as it was past noon and Matthias had probably started drinking, which made him more obnoxious than usual. They ignored his attempts at conversation and sat on the opposite side of the couch.

'Oh, hey Emmy, I've been noticing that you're almost seventeen and you've never had a boyfri-' Matthias inquired, for the third time that month. Emil cut him off as he realized what he was asking

'Don't call me Emmy. And I've told you a million times I'm just not interested.' The white haired boy said, annoyance more than hinted in his voice.

'Sorry, I'm just worried about you. You can't stay alone forever, it's not healthy.'

'Why would it be un-' This time Emil was cut off by his older brother, who had put a protective arm around him as Mathhias moved closer.

'He's asexual. Don't be stupid.' Lukas said in his usual monotone.

'L-LUKAS! That was a secret, and the last person I want messing around with my personal business is him!' Emil turned red and buried his face in his hands, and he could feel both men staring at him.

'I'm sorry, I didn't know. Were you molested as a kid or something?' Matthias asked as if there was nothing wrong. Emil sat there, looking like a deer caught in the headlights for a few seconds.

'You can't just ask people if they got raped Matthias!' Emil threw off his brother's arm and ran upstairs, face still red and voice still shaky from embarrassment. Lukas shot the older man a dirty look as he followed his brother.

Lukas waited outside his brother's closed door to let him calm down. After half an hour, he knocked on the door.

'Little brother? Can I come in?' he leaned his head against the wood as he waited for a response.

'What do you want?' Emil hadn't even finished his sentence before Lukas was opening the door. Emil was lying on his bed, his face still in his hands.

'I hate to be on Matthias's side, but were you…?' His voice was calm, if a bit concerned, but he couldn't bring himself to say that last word, and a part of him couldn't bear asking the question at all.

The younger brother did not respond, he simply turned on his side, back to Lukas, and curled his legs into his chest. Lukas sat down on the empty space at the edge of the bed. He put a hand on the smaller boy's arm, which stiffened under the touch.

'I know you better than anyone, even Matt. If the answer was "no", you would have just said no. I also know you hate lying to me.' It was true, whenever he lied to his older brother, the only family he had, it hurt him more than if he had told the truth.

'So what?' Emil said, still dancing around the original question. Lukas, sensing this, took his hands away from his brother's face and looked him in his eyes, puffy from tears.

'Emil, there is something wrong. I need you to tell me so I can protect you from it happening again.' The younger brother finally sat up, letting his bangs cover his eyes. he let out a deep sigh.

'It was two years ago. It was my fault anyways, I didn't scream or anything. He was drunk anyways, he doesn't even remember it.' A new wave of tears welled and spilled over in his eyes. Lukas's eyes were getting blurry too, but he wouldn't let himself cry. He pulled his brother into a hug, never intending to let go.

'Nothing is your fault. You can't blame yourself for someone else's choices.' He laid back now, with Emil's face buried in his chest. Quiet, calm tears still ran from the younger's eyes. 'I won't make you talk about it anymore, if you don't want to.'

'Stay with me.' Emil held Lukas tighter when he started to move towards the door. The blonde, complying with Emil, stayed the rest of the night stroking his white hair until they both fell asleep. They loved sleeping next to eachother, though maybe not the same way Matt and Al did. They loved eachother, but they were not in love.


End file.
